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Revealed?
Ann Coulter Kidnapping & Anal Probing Scandal!
Yes, that's right! Ann Coulter, or something that looks an awful lot like her, has been kidnapping lone farmers in remote areas of New Jersey and subjecting them to strange medical and psychological experiments, including copious anal probing, for no apparent reason. "I was paralyzed with fear," says Wilford Huskins of Hacketstown, NJ. Huskins owns a small farm, and had reported seeing "weird lights" on several occasions previous to his recently coming forward with his insane but tragic and all-too-human tale. |
So sophisticated!
"I mean, it looked like Ann Coulter and all!... and it had been drinking, I could tell that right away, and so had I, so we had that in common... it offered me a drink of some strange substance it had in a little flask, then another and another... something must've been in that drink, cuz next thing I knew, I was totally in its power.
"It made me follow it to a cheap hotel up on Route 85... and then it... it DID things to me... HORRIBLE things... OH GOD! IT LOOKED LIKE ANN COULTER!"
Artist's Rendering of the Fateful Encounter
Mr. Huskins, along with about a dozen other locals who have similar stories of their own, has initiated class-action legal proceedings against Ms. Coulter, who claims to know nothing about any alleged aliens. "I've never even HEARD of Hackettstown. I DO have a Mexican housekeeper," she quips. "Maybe she's the culprit!"
But locals of this small NJ burg, which is less than an hour's drive from Manhattan, tell a different tale. "She hangs out here two, three times a week, trolling for fresh meat," says Mike Harvil, owner and proprietor of Boojies Tavern on the interstate.
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Being President can be
SUCH a DRAG!