As a freelance writer, it's important for me to keep up on my reading...
I subscribe to literally thousands of magazines on the subject of dogs alone,
for instance, and I get every major daily from every publisher in every
city in every country in the world, just to stay on top of things; yet somehow,
despite all that voracious reading, I've never even heard of clipping
services...
But anyway, man!, the foreign press guys are all over this Presidential
Pretzel Scandal like flies on Bob Dole!... here are just some of
the headlines I was greeted with today:
'Magic Pretzel' Theory Provokes Special Investigation!
Pretzels: Good for People!... Poisonous to Deep-Space
Aliens?
American Prez Nearly Kills Self, Instead of Everybody
Else!
Was it REALLY a Pretzel?... or a Whole Bunch of Money?
At Least He Didn't Yak on Some Oriental Big-Wig!
and of course, that old standard from back in the Reagan Era:
X-Rays of President's Brain Reveal Nothing!
Choking is one of nature's little warnings, a sign that
perhaps one is biting off more than they can possibly chew.
I personally lean toward the whole-bunch-of-money theory... maybe someone
simply needs to explain to our chief executioner the difference between
a Rold-Gold and an actual big ol' plug of rolled gold.
Didn't his mother ever tell him to chew his ill-gotten gain thoroughly
before swallowing it?
Now I don't know about you guys, but like a lot of our world neighbors,
I don't think this administration is doing a very good job in any way here...
take the economy, for instance; in continuing to demand that we pour a seemingly
endless fount of largesse upon the very parties that COULD NOT POSSIBLY
NEED tax relief, while at the same time insisting we're all outta dough
here, and allowing others who've worked hard all their shitty lil' lives
to either grin and bear it or just blow their brains out on the off-chance
that perhaps there might be some half-decent job vacancies in Hell, the
present administration seems to embrace a weird sort of pretzel logic that
no one else can understand... there's no talkin' to these guys, as they
seem to think themselves more intelligent by several orders of magnitude
than all the rest of us put together, from our greatest scientists and thinkers
to all the common workin' (if yer lucky) jerks out there, The Great Unwashed,
many of whom really can't be expected to pick themselves up by their own
bootstraps, mostly because they can't afford them fancy boots with
real straps... but I always try to see the positive, so I wanna point
out that this might be an opportune time for every unhappy and unemployed
and alarmed and overwhelmed American out there to:
SEND THE PREZ A PRETZEL!
just to show your basic disapproval and distaste for this new Pretzelogical
Viewpoint of this grand New World Order being unveiled a bit more every
day to our harried and horrified gazes...
It's not like your threatening him, right?... I mean, you can't threaten
someone with a pretzel, can you?... you're just expressing your dissatisfaction
with his moronic leadership in a very cute and clever way!... and who knows,
maybe he'll completely misunderstand the gesture and think we all love him,
and suddenly grow a heart and stop trying to bleed us all til we're dry
as... as a pretzel, by god!... and this is ALL that I've been sayin' to
Bush all along: Dude, relax and have a drink or two!... make sure you always
drink plenty of liquids!... and try not to overdo it so much! Pace
yourself! You have a whole world out there to ruin... and believe me, it's
not going anywhere right now.
Choking is one of nature's little warnings, a sign that perhaps one is
biting off more than they can possibly chew.
But maybe it's deeper than that... maybe the guy just lacks a basic gag
reflex, and that's why he can put forward all these programs and plans for
his hideous New World Order that make the majority of the rest of of just
want to throw up continuously til we're all completely inside-out.
Screw it!... I think I'll go stuff myself with bag after bag of Dan-Dee
Potato Chips til I explode... and let the chips fall where they may. | 
